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Response to Heather: gender-critical trans-inclusive feminism?

Heather, from Pinterest, writes:

Occasionally, there's something about trans folk that rubs me the wrong way, like them claiming that they feel like a woman because they like dresses and makeup? It makes me feel like they're claiming that there's a wrong way to be a woman. Or when they hate on lesbians for not wanting to fuck a penis, or when they try to shut us down for talking about periods...

Also, I caught this misogynist douche here on Pinterest creating fake accounts with my name and picture while making posts saying "I am a feminist and I absolutely hate all men." He even posted to parenting boards that as a feminist, I hate my husband and son. He had then screenshots of him fake posting as me and posted them to Facebook and Reddit. He had done this to multiple other women too. So yeah, I don't believe any "feminazi" claims anymore.

The biggest issue I have with certain "feminist definitions" is that I'm so super 'gender critical' that I don't think gender roles need to apply to the 21st century at all. We don't need heterosexual relationships for reproduction, we don't need to keep the same genital phenotype we were born with. What purpose does it serve to exclude a particular person from a movement when damn near all the social problems they face can be traced directly to a historic disempowerment of the female sex, and ultimately their activism can be used towards the goal of stopping toxic masculinity and creating universal equality?

Six nonbinary and trans people walk abreast, arms slung over each other's shoulders. All are wearing huge smiles and punk-style clothes. The one in the center is wearing a shirt that says, 'Gender is over! (if you want)'.
"San Francisco Pride Trans March 215 - photos! #sfpride #transmarch" CC-BY James Buck, Flickr

Why does it matter if another person disadvantaged by the system thinks enjoying a particular fashion choice affects their gender identity, especially when the goal is to make all genders equal and effectively interchangeable in social roles? To be clear, I understand the binary gender construct to be a (currently imploding) social crutch that helps support an exploitative capitalist economic structure. Gender identity should be set by the individuals' decision, and clothes by personal preference, but that's not currently true for all cultures in this country. I suspect people who speak openly about how they "feel like a woman" because of a fondness for what's basically performative femininity probably have either internalized the toxic masculinity that totally rejects any enjoyment of self-care, or they simply don't care to discuss all of the reasons they are questioning their gender... in which case, joking about "Hollywood femininity" becomes a familiar and possibly safer conversation. In either case, once gender is no longer a hierarchy I think your experience will become far more rare.

If a trans woman comes into a space and gets frustrated or triggered by talk of something she can't (yet) physically achieve, that's unfortunate, but she's hardly alone - plenty of cis women are barren, plenty of cis women are on hormone replacement, or have had their reproductive organs removed for medical reasons. It might provide her some solidarity to engage with other women who face the same issues despite being cis.

In fact, one of the things feminists want is an increase in the legal ability for women to voluntarily remove or seal their reproductive organs for medical or convenience reasons. There's no such thing as a universal female experience.

Now, regarding the trans-lesbian discourse... As a demisexual I kind of get the whole "only specific things get your motor running" thing, but maybe because I have the exact same response to penises and vaginas I can't help but see 'wanting to fuck vaginas only' as a bit like... Well, I wonder if it shouldn't be in the same class as sapiosexual - only having the desire to fuck people if they are really intellectual. (This one is called ableist.) But can these 'turnoffs' really be controlled? Why is it considered a sexuality if you're turned on or repulsed by someone's pisser and a kink if you're turned on or repulsed by someone's feet, or ears, or the nape of their neck, or brain, or, you know, literally any other body part? I just sincerely don't understand.

For a societal ideal, I'm back with the being super gender critical thing because I really wish people were okay with having sex with anyone regardless of their actual genitals, like, there's ways to make it fun for people with dicks even if you don't want a dick inside you. Sex isn't about reproduction anymore, it's about intimacy and pleasure, and if you don't trust your partner enough to have fun with whatever genitals they present then I think you might have bigger issues in the relationship than their gender identity.

My experience is not universal, though, and maybe it's the language that needs to change to reflect the change in people who are lesbian. The MOGAI crowd would be the best people to talk to about new language for sexual preferences and identities. They can get excruciatingly detailed. I literally cannot care that much 😅

Two younger women exuberantly hugging in front of a purple and white parade float. The one facing away has a pink shirt on and a trans flag ribbon on her wrist, and the one facing the camera has a huge smile and is wearing a Pride bikini top. The parade route can be seen behind them, lined with people of all sorts displaying Pride colors and flags.
"2017.06.10 DC Capital Pride Parade, Washington, DC USA 04856" CC-BY-SA Ted Eytan, Flickr
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